This is in response to an anonymous inquiry.
I am sorry that you've experienced such difficulties. It's wonderful that you are feeling the need to discuss it and evaluate your feelings. You might find that you need a trusted person to talk to and hold space for you as you unravel this. This should be someone who is neutral and compassionate. Yet sometimes that's not available, and we have to be that person for ourselves through writing, journaling, and possibly making audios and listening to them. The point is to release what's inside and witness it as opposed to holding it in and burying it with things that hurt us. Only you can decide what you need the most.
I love how you are encouraging to yourself by mentioning your successes and hard work. Do you do that each day? It might be helpful to keep reminding yourself of how far you've come on a regular basis. Acknowledging your successes is very important.
Based on what you have shared, it is clear that it will be important for you to find a healing method (or methods) that resonate with you. Your inner child has been through a lot, and that doesn't go away just because time has passed. Here's a list of healing modalities that you might find helpful .
Please know that healing is a lifelong process, so be gentle and loving towards yourself. It might take awhile to find the right combination of tools to help you release the past and move towards your brightest future.
Your main concern is that you can't resolve your childhood trauma due to the age of your parents. Dear one, please do not give them your power. This can be very difficult to experience and understand, but your parents will never be able to heal your trauma for you. I know that we can just want them to "make it right" or change, or acknowledge their actions so we can move towards some sort of healing; but that's not how healing actually works. And we can really disempower ourselves if we believe that someone else has to do something in order for us to feel better.
The parent that you are looking for can only be found in the mirror. You have to become the parent to your inner child and "make it right", change, and acknowledge that child's experience. You have to acknowledge your pain and make it known that you are sorry and that you will be the parent from now on. This can be very difficult and it's not a one-time process. It's also not always necessary to keep mentally replaying the harmful situations over and over. Please be gentle with yourself and your inner child.
It might help to start doing activities that help build trust and a stronger bond with your inner child. The book "Recovery of Your Inner Child: The Highly Acclaimed Method for Liberating Your Inner Self" by Lucia Capacchione might be useful. This book recommends many activities to help you get in touch with deeper aspects of yourself. For example, you can sit quietly and draw a picture of your inner child using your non-dominant hand. This is your inner child doing the drawing so when it's complete you can reflect upon what was revealed. Another activity is to write out a conversation with your inner child. You will write as the adult with your dominant hand, and write as your inner child with your non-dominant hand. You start the conversation by asking for a chance to get to know the child, and then asking the child questions about herself or himself. One big question is to ask what that child wants from you.
Keeping a daily journal might also be beneficial for you. The point is to take a few moments each day to write down your feelings. You might also want to write down your successes and anything else that comes to mind.
You might also need something to help you move your emotions out of your body. Some people practice martial arts, others get massages or work with foam rollers, some people benefit from somatic therapy, there are also vibration machines and handheld massage tools. Anything that can help with myofascial release might make a nice addition to your self care routine. Find what resonates with you and your body. You can ever search on Youtube for "myofascial release diy" or something of that sort.
I've given lots of suggestions here. The point is not to overwhelm you. The point is to show you your options so that you can feel empowered to find what will work for you.
You are not alone, and you have everything you need inside of you to have the inner peace that you seek. Please only accept what resonates with your loving heart and discard what does not.
Dear One, may peace be with your heart, your mind, your soul, your spirit.
Here are some affirmations that may be helpful to you.
I am whole and complete within myself.
I am worthy of love and respect.
I love myself unconditionally.
I know my worth, and I deserve to be treated well.
I choose to let go of the past.
I release what is not meant to be.
I am free from any entanglement, attachment, or disturbance now and forever.
This article is posted publicly. Only members can comment, but any comments will be visible publicly. Comments posted on members-only articles are only visible to logged in members.